Hidden Tears
by Blue2B
Summary: I put away the pain, I put away my fears, I show you only smiles, not my hidden tears.


Summary: I put away the pain, I put away my fears, I show you only smiles, not my hidden tears.

KUKI POV

* * *

The thing about Numbness is that...it's well...numb.

Sometimes the wanting relief of all that stress becomes so nagging...

I'd be sitting in class, then the next minute I asked to go to the rest room...you know what I'd do then...

Sometimes when I leave now a days, Abby gives me this look...this look that practically states 'I know what you're doing'.

She found he scars a few weeks ago.

Se wasn't curious about them...she was worried.

* * *

"I know it isn't easy..." She said that day. "About your parents..."

"I'm fine!" I forced a smile. "You worry too much silly." I skip away and down the hall. When I looked back to see if she was looking at me...she was staring at me with a very serious look on her face.

That bitch told everyone I was psycho.

* * *

Lunch time is when I'm quiet. I concentrate on my thoughts, pretending to think of new versions of the monkey of rainbows.

"Kooks," Wally's face was in front of mine. I almost glare at him, how dare he interrupt my thoughts, but I don't.

"Hm?" I asked sweetly.

"Uh..." He clearly wasn't expecting such a response...why wouldn't he? "Are you...harming yourself?" He asked.

"No silly!" I feign a girly giggle. "Why would I do something as stupid as that?" I asked, staring at him now. He blushes then looks to the side.

"Well, Abby said-."

"Oh look," I interrupt him. "It's raining." I turn my head and look out the window. Puddles have formed and rain is slowly dripping down the window." I expect Wally to turn his head and look out the window too, but instead he stares at me, a worriedlook on his face.

* * *

"Kuki, are you okay-?"

"I'm fine." I say...Abby has bothered me far too much.

"Did you stop cutting yourself?" She asked, her voice dripping with concern.

"That doesn't concern you." I say calmly. She doesn't respond. She stares at me with a serious expression on her face. "Yes." I lie through clenched teeth. She nods slowly.

* * *

"I love you Kooks." He said it when I was 15, a huge grin spread across his face. My face held a blank expression...I'v wanted this my whole life...Why couldn't I smile back? I see him waiting for a reaction.

"Love..." I pause, my throat tightens up... I wanted to tell him...that I loved him back...I wanted to tell him out how I had already planned our lives together. I look down at my legs, my knees feel wobbly. I don't know why...I don't know why I don't love him anymore.

I don't love him. It starts raining. He's standing there across from me on the empty street, it's getting dark. His grin 's waiting for me to finish my sentence. I don't know why I want to tell him that I hate his guts...that he waited too long and now he's missed his chance. I wanted to tell him he was lucky...

"Wally..." I say his name. His eyes are shining, he's very tense. "The hardest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you." I say. His eyes loose that spark...the rose he was holding drops to the ground and lands in a puddle with a sickening splash. "I'm sorry that I broke you heart, I'm now the reason why your world will fall apart. And I know your tough and you won't cry, but you still love me...I wonder...why?" I look into his eyes again. He seems speechless. I don't even feel bad. I actually feel poetic.

"Why?"

"I just asked that Wally." I state.

"But...you showed so many signs...I-I thought-."

"You clearly thought wrong." I cut him off. His face darkens and he lowers his head.

"Bitch." He mutters. "I wasted meh whole fucking chasing after you implicitly."

"You were never a waste of time. You were just a realization that I could do better." I say. His head shoots up and he glares at me, which softens almost immediately.

"Wh-Why am I hurting?" He asks.

"Sorry." I say. He flips me off.

"Fuck that and fuck you." He shouts.

"Ironic, five minutes ago that's what you wanted to do." I say before I could stop myself...where'd that come from? What happened to me?

"Shut up." He says. "Thanks for making me worthless in your eyes." He spits.

"Wally," I say softly. "Falling in love with me was the biggest mistake you made..."

"I don't make mistakes, You cruddy Sheila, I fall in love with them." He snares.

Wally, your insulting me because I don't love you back." I say calmly. "It's not my fault." I say.

"You're not my favorite mistakes, you're just a simple regret. I thought I knew who you were...Now I just want to forget." He says. I can hear that he's on the verge of tears.

"Feeling poetic?" I ask.

"You're no better." He spits, turning on his heel.

"Wally..."

"YOUR NOT KUKI!" He shouts at me. I flinch... "I LOVE KUKI!" He shouts. "YOU A COLD HEARTED FUCKING BASTARD SHEILA!" He shouts. "I FUCKING HATE YOU!" He says. I feel tears spring to my eyes, not again... "I will not make the same mistake that you did, I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery the way you did. You fell so hard Kuki...I've learned to never let it get that far."

"My fucking parents died!" I yell.

"A lot of people die." He mutters, walking off into the rain. I look after him...

* * *

He's a stranger now...or is it me that's acting strange? He doesn't talk anymore.

"Wally are you okay?" Abby meddles again.

"No, he seems heart broken." Hoagie jokes.

"Exactly." I say, surprising everyone.

"Guys do you walk to school?" Wally asks. We all nod.

"My heart is that little crack in the sidewalk that you walk over every day." Wally grabs books and leaves the table...I gulp...it's my fault.

"Kuki..." I turn to look at Abby.

"it's not My fault." I lie. Abby's eyes narrow.

"I promise." I smile softly. Abby's still cautious. I turn away. "I'll try to cheer him up." I skip off.

You'd find me in the bathroom, sobbing my heart out. Getting rid of the fucking tears I've kept inside myself...I HATE crying...I've try acting happy...it just doesn't work...It was then that I realized I DO love Wally...but my fucking parents died! I can't pick up a relationship that quickly. I loved him, I loved him. It wasn't love though and even at that time I could see it was infatuation . But at that time it damn near killed me. It was so passionate, so intense, so painful that years afterword I flinched when I heard his name.

* * *

When I was 18...I realized I had nothing. Not even my fake smiles could help me here.

My friends moved on...

Mushi moved out...

I...stayed behind.

I had put away my pain. I had put away my fears. I had showed everyone fake smiles...but not my hidden tears.

Wally had a girlfriend...they went to the same college...

Abby had a new best friend...she had met her in high school.

Nigel passed me one day at the store...he forgot my name.

Hoagie passed me on the street...he didn't even SEE me.

I sit in my room sometimes, cutting my wrist...it makes me forget about EVRYTHING going on my fucked up life and lets me concentrate on pain only...so my mind basically clears...I'm so close to my vein that it's practically killing me...

I drop the razor and stand up on shaky legs. I stumble to the bathroom and wash my wrist off in the sink...fuck. Hurts so bad. I wrap my wrist in gauze and climb into bed.

8 years ago. They died 8 years ago...yet I was still affected by them...their death at age 10 caused my whole life to change...smiles became fake...giggles was feigned. My life...was a lie.

I look down slowly and notice that the gauze wasn't tight enough. Blood is staining through it. I pull my hands up to my neck and close my eyes, curling into a ball.

Sometimes you just have to hold you head up high...Blink away the tears...and say goodbye.

I fell light headed as the place where I had cut earlier...gets more red. I pull my hands away and realize the blood had seeped through the gauze. My neck had my blood on it. I quickly stand up, making myself dizzy and collapse back on the bed.

"Ugh..." I groan. I roll over and curl into a ball and the room flashes. "Fuck!" I yell in pain. I realize the gauze is soaked in my blood and I'm loosing too much blood. But I can't get up...everything is going so...slow.

I feel SO tired...

I wish...

I wish everything would just stop!

STOP!

STOP!

PLEASE GOD! MAKE IT STOP! THE PAIN! FUCK! AH!

FUCK FUCKFUCK!

STOP! PAIN! FUCK! AHHH!

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

I now realize...

Nobody dies a virgin...

Cause in the end...

Life just FUCKS us all...

I close my eyes and slip into a long wanted sleep.

* * *

**_Dear Readers, Please don't kill me. You may be wondering where exactly I am...Well see I planned ahead and decided to leave a note instead of facing you raging Kuki fans...see, I'm not ready to die for killing off a most loved character. I LOVE Kuki (No Homo) But I wanted to show her from a different view. I actua;;y thought_****__****_it was kind of poetic, eh?_**

**_I know this is my shortest story...I think..._**

**_Anywho...drop review._**

**_Please fav if you understand the moral of the story...and please also review the moral itself if you know it._**

**_Following thestory would be pretty pointless because I'll never update it. But if someone wants to bementioned in my next update of my story (Operation: KND) then they should follow this story._**

**_-Jade (Blue2b) (*v* ^v^ ~v~)_**

**_Fan: YOU BITCH! YOU FUCKING KILLED HER!_**

**_Jade: NO FLAMES!_**


End file.
